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Thursday, June 26, 2008
Oh no i just keep on fallin
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Oh dear, My IQ's goin' from bad to worse.
The math paper today wasn't difficult. In fact, the standard of the paper was definitely, really low. Heh, but I still screwed it up really badly 'cause i didn't know how to use th calculator, some sums stumped me 'cause i ain't got no idea we were even taught to do them. I guess that's the price to pay for not paying attention during lectures and not handing any tutorial assignments for the past 6 months, for math (mainly). I'm feeling pretty perplexed right now. My mind, has two different visions before them. One, a blank piece of paper filled with never ending scribbles all over the place. Every corner, every inch of this piece of paper has been covered with scribbles so much so that you can't even tell what the original base colour of this piece of paper was. The other, a blank piece of paper, waiting to be written on neatly, clear-headedly.
I don't know if it'll make sense to anyone, actually I don't really care either. The thing is, I know i have been procrastinating for far too long and i should have stopped, since forever. On the other hand, i sometimes see no purpose in what i am doing at this point in my life. Take the exams for example. I haven't studied for anything so far, not because i'm lazy and don't want to but because everytime i flip open my books and see line after line after line after lines of words that don't really mean anything to me; i lose interest. Are they really important? Am i studying just so i can ace the exams, become a top student and get all the glory for it? What is the point really? Going for the exams without studying feels like going to a battle without a weapon. It's like sparring unarmed, with an army much srtonger than my own, an army that's fully equipped; ready to take my life. But studying without a purpose then feels like going to battle for the sake of going to battle. Just following orders and fighting for nothing at all. Either ways, I will most likely lose the battle, and i will definitely be unhappy.
I know i can stop all this retarded battle no battle nonsense and just get my head into studying and evade all the failure. But you know something, try as i might, i still will never be able to runaway from the unhappiness within.
Hung out with Visa and Ethel today at the mall after school. It was pretty cool and relaxing to have random company that's really interesting. Visa seems so, sure. Of what he's doing. It doesn't matter the length of time he's "wasted" as what most people might say. I don't think he wasted it though, it was more like, realization. Now, he's so clear and he knows exactly where he's headin' for. Or at least it seems so.
Sigh, i needa get back on track.
Labels: Back to the same old
ambiguity revealed 5:13 AM
